Informal mentoring and coaching (is not without a cost)
Toxin handlers - handle with care
I applaud the many organisations working to establish a culture of coaching so their employees feel more empowered and valued. The emphasis shifts from the traditional command and control "do what I say" practices to building the organisational capability to ask generative questions and a "try this" attitude.
However, I have observed a potentially worrying trend in the growth of informal mentors and coaches. This happens when successful and driven executives are approached to provide informal support to help aspiring leaders from other teams and departments within their organisations. This support typically goes by the name of mentoring. However, inevitably it seamlessly moves back and forth between mentoring and coaching.
The problem per se is when people have too many of these informal relationships. A small number is a powerful way for both sides to learn, especially with reverse mentoring (more junior educating the more senior and experienced person). I experience this with some of my clients. These people are responsible for leading teams tasked with delivering high-profile projects and owning client relationships worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Yet they increasingly feel obliged to say yes to these informal relationships, partly out of a feeling of obligation - to pay it forward or to help with an I&D imbalance, e.g. the lack of women in finance. They may end up with a "portfolio of clients" 7, 8 or even more. They somehow find the time regularly to meet 1-2-1, which inevitably can leave them feeling drained.
Coaches have places to recharge, reflect and rest - one of the ways that we achieve that is through coach supervision. A central role of supervision is restorative. The supervisor is there to listen, support, and confront even the most experienced of coaches. Thereby helping them with identifying clear boundaries and, more generally, emotional entanglement with topics and issues that their clients bring to them.
Informal mentors and coaches don't have this support. They will often be wholly unaware of the almost invisible effects on their mood and energy levels. These amazing people become toxin handlers and risk burning out because they aren't adequately supported. Their organisations embrace the benefits of coaching and building a coaching culture but forget about a crucial element.
This concept of the toxin handlers is explored further in this TED audio collective podcast with Adam Grant. Here is a brief extract (24 minutes):
"In cultures that lack compassion, a few people end up carrying that burden. Researchers call them Toxin Handlers!
They become the sounding board and the ear for people who are really struggling and in distress, and people always feel better when they've spent time with the toxin handler because that person creates a holding space for them and sort of contains the difficult emotions and takes actions to try to alleviate what's causing that suffering.
But this isn't sustainable for those individuals (the toxin handlers) or the organisation.
Over time, that toxin handler gets filled with the toxicity themselves. They can end up burning out or really becoming quite ill with all that they're absorbing."
Therefore if you are one of these people, spread the load. Don't try and do too much. A small number of informal relationships is much more valuable to you and your organisation than risking you burning out.
📫 - Favourite quote
"I never allow myself to have an opinion on anything that I don't know the other side's argument better than they do."
Charlie Munger
This quote resonates strongly with me in a world of distracting half-truths, misleading news headlines and increasingly one-sided articles barely considering alternate points of view.
Adam Grant has said something similar.
"You're entitled to your own opinions. But if you choose to express them out loud, it's your responsibility to 1) ground them in logic and facts, 2) explain your reasoning and 3) change them when better evidence emerges."
I think the two together are a powerful tonic for today's world.
🧾 - An absorbing and insightful (short) read
A thought-provoking interview with Dr Anna Lembke, whose new book, Dopamine Nation, calls out the smartphone as
"...the "modern-day hypodermic needle": we turn to it for quick hits, seeking attention, validation and distraction with each swipe..."
I have already added her book to my reading list.
🐣 - Something I am doing differently or entirely new
I am making time to stop doing things.
What tasks can I stop doing, outsource, or delegate and empower others to do? Often we make the mistake of having a write-only mindset, continually adding more tasks, commitments, and meetings to our already overburdened schedules.
What if for every new item added to your to-do list, you add an item to your "stop doing" list?
⚖ - Et cetera
Perhaps the following will provide insight and be of help with a problem you are currently facing:
Do you need a new perspective on a challenge you're struggling with?
Are you starting a new role and want to make a positive impact and quickly establish credibility?
My latest article is here - "The biggest mistake you are making with your meetings."
The RYSE Journal - "A coach in your pocket."
All the best, until next month.
Rob